It's interesting that one of the first questions people ask new parents is, "so how's she sleeping?" Generally speaking, if the questioners have had children or know anybody who has, they already have a knowing smirk on their face. They expect the weary, red-rimmed eyed parents to respond meekly "ah, you know, not so well...can you direct me to the nearest coffee pot?" This is always followed by a hopeful bit of folklore from the earnest questioners, "don't worry, after the first six weeks it will get better!"
All new parents should learn to answer this question with the simple truth, "She/he is sleeping like a baby." Obviously, whoever came up with this aphorism never spent a lick of time around a baby. The fact of it is, babies don't sleep so well for good biological, evolutionary reasons. Your REM cycles are more frequent which means you spend less time in deep sleep than your adult bedmates.
Of course you weren't quite the norm. Your sleeping patterns those first six weeks fit a different description: you slept like a rock. In our first week home I would wake you up in the middle of the night to feed and was astonished that five hours would go by before we would hear from you again.
Fast forward eight months.
We've had some rough nights these past few weeks. Between my inability to get to sleep early and your inability to stay asleep, no one's been getting a ton of zzzz's. I don't know whether it's teeth, approaching milestones (nope, still not crawling but getting closer the day) or the change of seasons, but something's got ahold of our sleep cycle. I have developed an eye twitch in my right eye which, after doing some research on the internet, seems directly related to:
- Fatigue or lack of sleep
- Over consumption of caffeine
- Associated with temper tantrums (especially in children)
This time next week, after your grandmother and grandfather's work-camp visit (your aunts and uncle too! What fun we're getting ready to have!) you'll have a nursery and your crib will be set up for the first time. The temptation to lay you down in the crib at night and stretch out in my own bed with your dad, who would no doubt enjoy the extra three feet of space, could be enticing. I just don't see it happening.
From the morning we brought you home and took our first nap together you've slept between me and you dad on our queen sized bed. While our commitment to co-sleeping was originally quite practical, we've learned more in the past few months and have come to believe it's just the right thing to do--for us, for you, for this situation. When the midwife asked me, at her first homevisit, where you were sleeping, I rather sheepishly answered, "uh, with us." She smiled, a cherry Blowpop in her mouth (I love midwives!), and said, "Good. I think kids should get their own bed when they can get up and walk there."
It all comes back to sleeping like a baby. Babies wake up, sometimes pretty frequently, during the night. Babies don't understand that when something is not in front of them, it still exists. That's why playing peek-a-boo is so funny at this age: it's gone and then, voila, it appears again! Magic! When you wake up at night I want you to know where I am, that I exist, that I am right there. And honestly, I feel better knowing the same is true of you. Research shows that children's nightmares are most frequently about separation from parents. But if you've never been alone during the night at an age when you can't understand that being in another room does not mean you're all alone, then maybe you won't have those scary dreams. Will sleeping together make you more secure in your attachments, less clingy, more confident and independent? Who knows, some literature seems to suggest it will. Will you have friends who slept in cribs from day one and turn out to be perfectly happy, normally functioning adults who love their parents? Yes, of course (I'd like to think I turned out okay and I slept in a crib). What I know is that it feels right for us right now.
I have the great luxury, and I truly believe that it is, not to have to get up and be at work in the morning. With that luxury comes the responsibility to parent you at night the same way that I parent you during the day. When you are sad, scared or mad during the day, I pick you up and hold you. I feel lucky to be able to do the same at night and especially happy not to have to get out of a warm bed to do so. I'll probably have to remind myself of that "lucky feeling" some night this week.
I've had this blog post on my mind for some time now, I've never really explained to you why we sleep the way we do. I don't believe for one minute that you will be in our bed until you're five or six years old. We'll work on taking naps in your new crib and when the time is right, when you are ready (which may well be before I am) we'll send you off to sleep the night away in your own room. Perhaps I'm writing today to strengthen our convictions after a particularly long week. Perhaps I'm writing because last night you went to bed at 10pm and didn't make a sound until 5:30, ate once and then woke up with your dad at 7:30.
You slept like a baby.
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